New Year

I think I can definitively state that 2008 was the worst year of my life to date. I am really looking forward to a new start. I've been busy with the holidays, holiday visitors (namely ex-boyfriends whose name starts with a T and ends with an IM) and the oh so fun graduate school applications. That last one is my focus for the month so you might not hear to many peeps from me until I have received a letter of acceptance.

How Did You Die

By Edmund Vance Cook

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble’s a ton, or a trouble’s an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it.
And it isn’t the fact that you’re hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?


You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what’s that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It’s nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there -- that’s disgrace.
The harder you’re thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn’t the fact that you’re licked that counts;
It’s how did you fight and why?


And though you be done to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he’s slow or spry,
It isn’t the fact that you’re dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?

Time for thanks...

I am stressed out right now. I have not forgotten about Spain, I swear I will get that blog finished one of these days but it has been hard for me to do anything besides keep my head above water. I usually write a list of things I'm thankful for but to be quite honest I don't think that these past few months have been a joyful time for me. I am glad to be closer to my family and happy I have a job even if it is the bain of my existence. My big news for Thanksgiving is that Tim is coming to visit. I am filled with excitement and terror simultaniously. I haven't seen him since that fateful day I left California and my whole life behind. It has been nearly 4 months and do I feel more over it yet? Not a bit. I love Tim, I don't know how that can change, but at leaset it doesn't feel quite as weird to be dating other dudes at this point.

Hear Me Out

"Hear Me Out" - Frou Frou

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am - is holding breath
Just pick up i know you're there
Can't you hear - i'm not myself

Oh go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be - just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up - this sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
It's love on the line can you handle it

So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave of
Cue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - i'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up...

So listen up
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer

I join the queue...

So listen up...

Peppermint Bark

My new job makes me want to cry. Boys make me want to cry. My cats clawing my legs up makes me want to cry. The highlight of my week thus far has been my seasons first sighting of peppermint bark, the world tastiest holiday treat. I am a wash in a sea of depression that may or may not be full attributable to my inability to afford my prozac. At least I will not be turned out in the streets this week.

Gainful Employment, how I've missed you.

I got a job! Don't get too excited, it is possibly the worst job I can think of doing. I could go so far as to say it is up there with turning tricks. It is however, a paycheck with benefits (I'm fairly sure you don't get a 401(k) from a pimp). So I will be thankful and be happy that I will not have to live in a card board box. It has nothing to do with my "chosen profession" and nothing to do with the profession that I will be attending grad school for next fall, it is something that the company elected to pay me more than most because of my vast experience in the area.

I kept a sort of day by day journal of my time in Spain and as soon as I clean that up to one blog entry I'll post it along with pictures. So fear not I will provide you with much info on Antonin Gaudi, Segrada Familia and all the hot Spaniards.

boys are stupid throw rocks at them

I have said on many different occasions, I wish I was into girls so that I could be a lesbian. I am tired of dealing with men and all the issues that come with them. I need to find a way to make peace with my heterosexuality some way, without the only man I have ever seen as the "one" for me. I am trying to decide right now if there is a way that I can continue to talk to Tim. He needs a friend, I have plenty of friends without him. What I need from him he doesn't want to give to me, so how can that balance in a way that is fair to my heart?
In the last three months I have done more dating than I ever seem to remember doing in my life. I feel somewhat emotionally unable to give anything into these attempts to getting to know someone better because of my lingering feelings for Tim. I'm lonely though and sometimes I cannot even count on those I thought to be friends to be there for me. Especially those damn male friends! Men cannot be trusted.