Time for thanks...

I am stressed out right now. I have not forgotten about Spain, I swear I will get that blog finished one of these days but it has been hard for me to do anything besides keep my head above water. I usually write a list of things I'm thankful for but to be quite honest I don't think that these past few months have been a joyful time for me. I am glad to be closer to my family and happy I have a job even if it is the bain of my existence. My big news for Thanksgiving is that Tim is coming to visit. I am filled with excitement and terror simultaniously. I haven't seen him since that fateful day I left California and my whole life behind. It has been nearly 4 months and do I feel more over it yet? Not a bit. I love Tim, I don't know how that can change, but at leaset it doesn't feel quite as weird to be dating other dudes at this point.

boys are stupid throw rocks at them

I have said on many different occasions, I wish I was into girls so that I could be a lesbian. I am tired of dealing with men and all the issues that come with them. I need to find a way to make peace with my heterosexuality some way, without the only man I have ever seen as the "one" for me. I am trying to decide right now if there is a way that I can continue to talk to Tim. He needs a friend, I have plenty of friends without him. What I need from him he doesn't want to give to me, so how can that balance in a way that is fair to my heart?
In the last three months I have done more dating than I ever seem to remember doing in my life. I feel somewhat emotionally unable to give anything into these attempts to getting to know someone better because of my lingering feelings for Tim. I'm lonely though and sometimes I cannot even count on those I thought to be friends to be there for me. Especially those damn male friends! Men cannot be trusted.