How Did You Die

By Edmund Vance Cook

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble’s a ton, or a trouble’s an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it.
And it isn’t the fact that you’re hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?


You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what’s that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It’s nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there -- that’s disgrace.
The harder you’re thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn’t the fact that you’re licked that counts;
It’s how did you fight and why?


And though you be done to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he’s slow or spry,
It isn’t the fact that you’re dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?

Time for thanks...

I am stressed out right now. I have not forgotten about Spain, I swear I will get that blog finished one of these days but it has been hard for me to do anything besides keep my head above water. I usually write a list of things I'm thankful for but to be quite honest I don't think that these past few months have been a joyful time for me. I am glad to be closer to my family and happy I have a job even if it is the bain of my existence. My big news for Thanksgiving is that Tim is coming to visit. I am filled with excitement and terror simultaniously. I haven't seen him since that fateful day I left California and my whole life behind. It has been nearly 4 months and do I feel more over it yet? Not a bit. I love Tim, I don't know how that can change, but at leaset it doesn't feel quite as weird to be dating other dudes at this point.

Hear Me Out

"Hear Me Out" - Frou Frou

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am - is holding breath
Just pick up i know you're there
Can't you hear - i'm not myself

Oh go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be - just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up - this sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
It's love on the line can you handle it

So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave of
Cue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - i'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up...

So listen up
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer

I join the queue...

So listen up...

Peppermint Bark

My new job makes me want to cry. Boys make me want to cry. My cats clawing my legs up makes me want to cry. The highlight of my week thus far has been my seasons first sighting of peppermint bark, the world tastiest holiday treat. I am a wash in a sea of depression that may or may not be full attributable to my inability to afford my prozac. At least I will not be turned out in the streets this week.

Gainful Employment, how I've missed you.

I got a job! Don't get too excited, it is possibly the worst job I can think of doing. I could go so far as to say it is up there with turning tricks. It is however, a paycheck with benefits (I'm fairly sure you don't get a 401(k) from a pimp). So I will be thankful and be happy that I will not have to live in a card board box. It has nothing to do with my "chosen profession" and nothing to do with the profession that I will be attending grad school for next fall, it is something that the company elected to pay me more than most because of my vast experience in the area.

I kept a sort of day by day journal of my time in Spain and as soon as I clean that up to one blog entry I'll post it along with pictures. So fear not I will provide you with much info on Antonin Gaudi, Segrada Familia and all the hot Spaniards.

boys are stupid throw rocks at them

I have said on many different occasions, I wish I was into girls so that I could be a lesbian. I am tired of dealing with men and all the issues that come with them. I need to find a way to make peace with my heterosexuality some way, without the only man I have ever seen as the "one" for me. I am trying to decide right now if there is a way that I can continue to talk to Tim. He needs a friend, I have plenty of friends without him. What I need from him he doesn't want to give to me, so how can that balance in a way that is fair to my heart?
In the last three months I have done more dating than I ever seem to remember doing in my life. I feel somewhat emotionally unable to give anything into these attempts to getting to know someone better because of my lingering feelings for Tim. I'm lonely though and sometimes I cannot even count on those I thought to be friends to be there for me. Especially those damn male friends! Men cannot be trusted.

Thriller

So I thought for Halloween I would learn the thriller dance (yes I am just that awesome). I came across this video on you tube that I thought laid it out pretty easily.

Holy Crap....

I still have no job, but did get a tat! Oh and I love Dan Savage...he is so my favorite. I'll update for real later on.

Men are Pigs

I had one that wasn't, and I'm not sure there are any others out there.

Unhappy Anniversaries

Today is a hard for me for a few reasons I won't share. It occurs to me it has been awhile since I loved myself. I need to get back there before anything can change.

I can't take any more!

So in the last couple weeks there has been so much craziness in my life and literally if some one gives me one more thing to deal with I might have a heart attack. I have 2 family members (aunt and grandma) in hospitals in bad shape. I have so many money worries that I might need to start borrowing against my retirement fund. Then I am only steps away from panhandling on the metropolitan corners of downtown Loveland. My BFF is going into labor (yes, I have a million pregnant friends) I would give anything to be on my way to Wichita right now to be with her but I can't. I have a precious cousin who wants to leave a neighboring town to go live with my parents, where I would see much less of her, which would seriously bum me out. Last but not least my first big job opportunity since the evil company that has been stringing me along for almost 2 months, has presented itself. It would require something like an hour and 20 minute commute each way. It would be really great but I would really like something closer.

tri-partisan system

Today I was talking to one of my sisters. We were discussing in particular how we weren't really happy with either candidate running for president. She is a pretty hard core "republican" and I have always considered my self an Independent but usually tend to side with the right because I want Uncle Sam to keep his hand out of my wallet. Payne and I think there needs to be a third party: The Common Sense Party. We decided on a few tenants of our new party.

We the Common Sense Party believe these things should be done:

1) Legalize Gay Marriage: Why not let same sex unions benefit from the same privileges every other citizen has the right to. If marriage is so sacred a union why do half of all marriages end in divorce.

2) Get rid of the IRS: how much does our country spend each year just to keep this complicated system running? Shut it down, hike up sales taxes giving every one a tax rebate for the essentials. News flash-people who make more money will spend more and be taxed more.

3) Abolish abstinence only sex education: I think we all know that people will continue to have sex whether we say it is bad or not. What we can do is provide information and effective available contraception (at a reasonable age-no handing out condoms in kindergarten classrooms) so we can have fewer unplanned pregnancies, increase adoption education so that hopefully we will do away with the need for abortions. Abortion is something the CS Party is very against.

4) Legalize Marijuana and Prostitution (Yes, we went there): Regulate and tax that shit!

5) No universal health care: The CS party like low taxes and that will only increase taxes.

6) No child left behind should be left behind: 'Nuff said

7) Don't Kill people: we feel this is a very simple statement, we are anti-abortion, anti-capital punishment and we would like to prevent wars as much as possible (people tend to get killed).

Well those are the 7 tenants I recall. It was a pretty long conversation so I probably missed some if you have any suggestions to add let me know and I'll consider adding them.

In no particular order

a list of things which people have told me I'm good at:

- Playing Tetris
- Singing
- Being a good friend
- Kissing
- Baking kick ass cookies

and last but not least:

-Interview for jobs

I have been told by many people that I may have been the best person at interviewing they have interviewed. So why I ask, do I still have no job???

Get over it

Dan Savage says it is a good rule of thumb is that it takes one third of the time you were with someone to be fully over the relationship. I think that sucks, because I get a whopping 8 or 9 months to get over Tim. Yesterday it was exactly 2 months. It sometimes still seems completely strange and foreign. I feel still like I may wake up and it will all be a dream and I will be back in California.

My name is Alyce and I approved this message

I have said before that I am somewhat apathetic about the upcoming election. I am not really a fan of either of the presidential candidates and I feel when I pick one I will just be trying for who would screw up the country least. This will only be the second presidential election that I have been able to vote in and so maybe before that I didn't pay as much attention. Or possibly I have forgotten what it is like to watch television since I haven't had one in so long, but I can hardly make it through my beloved House MD with out wanting to scream at the TV. I hate all the ads: "Obama will raise taxes and isn't ready to lead" "Can we afford 4 more years of the same with McCain?" Holy smear campaigns, Batman! Can the candidate in their million dollar advertisements take a moment to tell me what they want to do instead of how horrible their competition is. I have to tell you, Their plan is working! I think they both suck. I did vote in the primary election and did not vote for either of these 2. While I am excited that we have a woman running for vice president because I tend to believe women have a lot of common sense and having raised 5 children I can bet she helped negotiate a lot of things and didn't encourage any of her children to go to war against the others. I am just so tired of the election and we still have to go through 2 months of this shit!

Tour de Fat

This was my first time even hearing about Tour de Fat in Fort Collins. I lived in Fort collins from the age of 5 to 16 and some how missed out on this wonder of my home town. My cousin, Ellen, asked me to go check it out with her so that we could decide if we wanted to participate next year. The answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" We discussed various costume options for the whole clan, but we have an entire year to plan. I have to also procure a bicycle during this time. This will be my 3rd bike of the year. After having on stolen and leaving another in the care of Tim in California I am going to be very choosy and make sure that I have a good lock for it. I will try to upload some actual pictures of this weeks Tour de Fat in the next few days, but in the mean time tune in next week when I discuss why strangers can't keep their hands off pregnant women's tummies which my pregnant best friend has asked me to discuss.

Career Change

So I believe this is the longest I have been jobless in my entire life. I am now going on over a month with no income. Picking up and moving cross country on no notice sucks like that. So with all the trouble I am having getting back into a job in my chosen profession, I have picked a few alternatives to start researching if worse comes to worst.

1) Cryptozoologist- I will go hang out in jungles and look for things like the Loch Ness monster and el Chupa Cabra. Hey I sure hope there is no special degree needed for this.

2) Professional Dominatrix- according to my favorite blogger Dan Savage, for this career to be legal there is no sexual contact. I would get to put hot boots and be mean to men (I think I am at a good place it my life for the man hating).

3) The next Ace of Cakes- I love to bake. Cake is good. There is no bad here. Now if you have eaten one of my cakes you might say, yes delicious but not beautiful, so I might need to work on this a little.


Let me know if there are any other alternative careers I am missing.

Sarah is the Man!

So I'm am getting a little crabby about all the guff Sarah Palin is getting with her VP nomination. But she doesn't have enough experience! If we are all behind a man running with only 3 years of being in the senate what is wrong with the idea of someone who has been a governor for 2. I am sorry but I like the idea of a Washington outsider being considered for this office. Something the McCain ticket is not lacking is experience...McCain sat next to Jesus in the third grade. The man is as old as dirt and been through it all. We add to the ticket someone who has not been corrupted by Washington and I think we have something. The first thing Sarah Palin did as governor of Alaska was sell the governor's private jet because that was a silly expense. She has been a mom of 5 children one of whom has downes syndrome, and been the governor of the country's largest state. I think she makes a pretty cool addition to the republican ticket. It is about time we have a woman in this high profile office (that isn't Hillary). You go Sarah...I think you rock!

RIP Cut Throat Bitch

So I have great love for the television show House. In California Tim and I didn't have TV so we actually got into the show by watching old episodes on the interweb. So I moved before I had gotten up to date with the show. So now that I am living alone I decided I could break down and get network channels, so then I had to get caught up before the new season starts. So I rent the episodes at my friendly neighborhood video rental place. As I watch it I think the 4th season sucks because they have mostly gotten rid of all the characters we love (except House, himself-at least I love him...age Tim 20 years give him a limp and a vicodin addiction and you have house) they introduce all these new people that you don't really like. But then just when you have gotten used to them and even started liking them, what do the writers do? they kill one of them off! It really pisses me off when television makes me cry, like there isn't enough sadness in the world with out pretending it. I'm sorry if I ruined the end of season 4 for anyone but this happened months ago and I just caught up.

best quote ever

"Just make sure you take all that sunshine out of your pocket before you put your jeans in my washer."

Teresa Bell, after offering to let me use her washer and dryer while we were cleaning the new baby room

Sickness

You know what really sucks? Being uninsured! So I'm sick. I feel that I probably have strep throat, that or the world's worst cold that is killing me. I went to the doctor yesterday and explained my situation and they said sure we will see you. that will be 140 dollars and extra if they have to run any labs. I am feeling really crappy and not in the mood to argue or try to price shop in my weakened state so I say ok to the terms. I then get my throat swab in the 2 hours I am there only to have them say that they don't think I have strep throat and they will call me in 48 hours if the culture shows anything. So now I am sans antibiotics and I could possibly be dying and another thing I am sans....140 dollars. I hate health care, insurance and the rest of the system. I am temporarily unemployed but do normally have health insurance I can't imagine what it is like for those who have to deal with it every time they are sick.

I need to point out at this juncture I am not pro universal health care. I am a advocate of a free market health system. Mostly I am anti insurance companies because they are the reason the cost is so ridiculously high. They do this to people when they are in an already weakened state or are in an emergency situation when they do not have the ability to shop around for the most cost effective care.

odd man out

So being recently back near to my home town after being gone for just over 8 years of living other places, I find it is very strange running into people who last knew me as a 16 year old. Randomly running into a old high school friend and her mom where I was bid farewell with a "see you later, Bridget." I feel so weird being back, not with my family or Rese who I have stayed in touch with and so have seen me become an adult and also don't confuse me with my high school friend Bridget (well we both have big boobs, but I think the comparisons end there). I am so different than 16 year old me. I also recently had a lunch with a friend that I had not seen in 10 or so years wondering do I have anything in common with this person anymore, possibly I have more in common with her than ever but I still find it somewhat depressing here. Still no job, and with nothing really to pour my energy into, I find myself missing my home in California...it was the first place I had felt at home since leaving colorado all those years ago.

Loveland

So I moved...most of you know this and many of you may guessed it but I have relocated to the quant town of Loveland, Colorado. So now I'm working hard at becoming gainfully employed, settled into to my cute apartment and get used to be a cat lady. That is right I have obtained not one but 2 black cats (Milly and Blackie). I had pick out Milly from my mother's cat's litter but then I did all sorts of research on cats finding out that cats are happier and healthier when raised in household with multiple cats, so I got another. Which makes me a real cat lady. Single, living alone....if I start having conversations with myself someone put me out of my misery.

While I say this, I really think they are so cute they are 6 weeks and love to run and jump and fight with each other.

end of the world as i know it

Sorry for my lack of posts of late, my world has been changing at an alarming rate. Once I feel settled again I may continue to blog but in the mean time....

Marathon!

I did it I signed up to start training for a marathon. All funds raised go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Check out my website.

word

Stolen From Kari

Yourself: Brave
Your boyfriend: wonderful
Your hair: blonde
Your mother: loving
Your father: crabby
Your favorite item: blanket
Your dream last night: unremarkable
Your favorite drink: margarita
Your dream car: hybrid
Your dream home: colorado
The room you are in: bed
Your fear: alone
Where you want to be in ten years: mommy
Who you hung out with last night: self
What you’re not: ready
Muffins: poppyseed
One of your wish list items: CFP
Time: 8:26
The last thing you did: slept
What you are wearing: jammies
Your favorite weather: sunny
Your favorite book: lewis
Last thing you ate: peas
Your life: stressful
Your mood: sad
Your best friends: needed
What are you thinking about right now: Tim
Your car: red
What are you doing at the moment: typing
Your summer: warm
Relationship status: complete
What is on your tv: black
What is the weather like: glorius
When is the last time you laughed: yesterday

Taxiest time of the year

So I got a new job still here in the Bay Area. New company new position same industry. I like it thus far, I'm very hopeful that this will not be a job I dread to drag my butt out of bed to go to every morning (although I think that Disney may be the only work place you can sustain that attitude with over the long haul). We renewed our lease so we will stay in our gorgeous house for a while longer. So the above info has, as you may have guessed, put a lot of my stress on the back burner for awhile. Breathe in breathe out.

All Grown Up

I feel that being a grown up is highly overrated, so I'd like to stop it now. I'm tried of big decisions and tough choices. I would like my biggest worry to be what Popsicle flavor to choose. Just a thought.

Under Pressure

I've been sort of a big ball of stress lately. I'm fairly sure I'm leaving my job for other pursuits, I just haven't figured out the other pursuit yet. I'm currently fairly far along in the interview process with 3 companies which is nice that I'll have choices if somebody ever offers me a job the whole process just seems to take so long. One of the jobs is in my home town. They are flying us out next week to check it out. I'm excited that Tim can meet people so near and dear to my heart and I can show him what a rockin town it is (Hey, even Money Magazine agrees with me). We have a few friends out here but no real base I'm looking forward to the possiblitiy of family nearby and also going back to school and get my masters and Tim could go for a PhD if he wanted. New stuff, but very stressful. Moving always is. Especially the cross country types of moves.

Fair Tax

um so yeah....I have a lot of decsions coming up that might involve moving and job changing so keep me in your prayers.

Babies

So a couple of days ago I got a call from one of my best friends that I've known for for about 20 years that she's pregnant and just a few minutes ago another of my best friends told me she's pregnant (but she will remain nameless as I was the first person to know besides her significant other). Two best friends, two unplanned pregnancies....I'm now making a vow of celibacy.